


The Mating Ritual of the Elusive House-Elf

by Toodleoo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Humor, Other, nature documentary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:15:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6883081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toodleoo/pseuds/Toodleoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has seen too many nature documentaries and... Wait! What exactly ARE those elves doing?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mating Ritual of the Elusive House-Elf

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MyWitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyWitch/gifts).



"In all my years of exploration, no creature has ever fascinated me like this one. Humble and quiet, the house-elf is a marvel of the natural world."

Sniggering abounded in response, followed by the sound of one teenaged boy smacking another one upside the head.

Crouched behind a basket of turnips in the corner, three boys with red and gold ties narrated the activity of the school kitchens while they bided their time. Dean Thomas, having seen one too many wildlife documentary with his family, put on his best David Attenborough impersonation: his voice was a soft hush, not wanting to disturb the bustle of activity around them. Seamus Finnegan and Ronald Weasley, on the other hand, remained focussed on the task at hand.

Which was to figure out if house-elves wore underpants.

And if so, to nick a pair to bring back to Ernie MacMillan and all the other Hufflepuffs who had dared them after the last Quidditch match. Wankers, the whole lot of them. If only their Gryffindor bravado hadn't led the boys to add a side challenge alongside the handful of Galleons they'd bet on the game.

True, the elves didn't want clothes. Everyone knew that. But it couldn't possibly be true that there was a whole crew of almost naked elves running around Hogwarts without any pants on at all... could it? After all, those elves cooked their _food._ Wouldn't there be sanitary regulations against that sort of thing?

Dean piped up again, hypothetically describing the elves' production of shepherd's pies for dinner that night. "The elusive house-elf typically roams the wilds of Hogwarts under the cover of darkness, so our film crew has a rare opportunity to catch them at work. A herd animal by nature, the house-elf gathers in groups to boil potatoes for their overlords' consumption, having harnessed fire for this purpose, boiling water to soften the potatoes for mash. The alpha male--"

"You sure that's a boy elf?" Seamus asked.

Ron snorted, and then remembered an elf joke he'd heard at home. "What's the difference between a he-elf and a she-elf?"

Seamus thought for a moment, but was stumped. "I dunno. Dean?"

Dean shook his head. "No clue. So, Weasley... What is the difference between a he-elf and a she-elf?"

Ron grinned. "The letter 's.'"

Both boys blinked in response.

"Get it? The difference between a he-elf and a she--"

"No, we get it," Seamus said. He plucked a carrot from a nearby basket and took a bite as quietly as he could manage.

"But thanks for explaining it," Dean added, his demeanor heavy laden with mockery. "Jokes are _always_ funnier with an explanation."

"Stupid Percy," Ron mumbled under his breath. "It was _Percy's_ joke."

"Wait!" Seamus hissed, grabbing his mates' arms. He pointed to the pantry on the other side of the kitchen, where a jangle of pots could be heard in the distance.

The door swung open just far enough for all three boys to be able to see what was going on inside. There were two elves who didn't look remotely like the neatly uniformed bunch of lemmings at work at the stoves. Ron knew at once that the elf with three pairs of socks and a half dozen hats atop his head was Dobby, but he couldn't remember the name of the sauced up elf whose tea towel was askew.

"What's that?" Seamus asked.

"Two elves have broken off from their pack," Dean said, speaking into a wooden spoon as though it were a microphone. "Let's bring the cameras in closer to see what they're up to."

Ron punched Dean in the arm. "I know that elf! Don't you see? He loves Harry, and he's an all right bloke. He even wears clothes, yeah? We can just ask him about elves and pants."

"Do you think he'll tell?" Seamus asked. "Maybe we need to have Harry ask him."

Dean hushed them both. "What are they doing?"

The boys continued watching, all silent for a change.

First, Dobby circled the other house-elf, petting her on the shoulder whenever she looked sad. After a few moments of that, he sat down beside her, placing one tiny hand on her shoulder. The elves jostled around on the pantry floor for a bit, and then--

"What IS that?" Seamus asked, gesturing towards the curly blue protuberance that had appeared.

"I didn't know house-elves had tails," Ron said. He looked over at Dean. "Wait... _Do_ house-elves have tails?"

"Dunno," he said, shrugging it off. A beat passed as he thought about it, and he raised the wooden spoon to his mouth once more as the boys gazed into the pantry again. "The mating ritual of the house-elf has never been caught on camera before, but--"

"Ewww."

"No way."

"Shut it, you two!" Dean hissed. He picked up his narration where he left off. "--but we have before us the aroused male as he prepares his female for... er... for..."

"Elf sex," Seamus supplied, sniggering into his hand.

"No," Ron protested. "You don't think they're _doing it_ , do you?"

The boys all leaned as far over the basket of vegetables as they could, trying to discern what was going on. The elves were sort of rolling around on the ground now, and the little one let out a low-pitched whine.

_The long blue curl was nowhere to be seen._

They Gryffindors all exchanged a disgusted glance. Without a word, they decided then and there that they had to get out of the kitchens without being spotted. They climbed around the stacks of bins and bread, making a beeline for the door behind the iceboxes.

When they made it out into the hallway, they found Harry with his hand to the pear, ready to tickle it.

"Hi, guys," he said. His voice was casual, like he hadn't just been watching house-elves do the nasty. "I'm going to grab some food. Always starving after a match."

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" Ron cried.

"Er..." Harry mumbled, pointing to the painting of the fruit. This wasn't a trick question, was it?

"DON'T GO IN THERE!" Seamus shouted.

Now Harry had a worried look on his face. "Why... why not?"

"Just trust us on this one. We'll explain more later." Dean slung an arm around his friend and began forcibly walking him back to Gryffindor. "Besides, I have a bunch of stuff my mum mailed yesterday. You can have some."

They all lumbered off together, giving the password ( _"Flibbertigibbet!"_ ) to the Fat Lady before climbing the stairs to their room.

Dean pulled a box out from his trunk, laying out the bags of crisps and bags of sweets before them all. There were loads of things: a package of wrapped fudge, long taffy strands, and... and...Tesla twist pops.

_Bright blue, curly lollipops on a stick._

Seamus gulped. "You... er... you want one, Dean?"

He shook his head. "Uh... Ron?"

"Nah," Ron said, ripping open a bag of crisps to nibble on.

Harry picked up the lollipop and put it in his mouth. "Oh, man! I used to love these things. I haven't had one in years."

Dean shoved them all over towards his friend. "You know what, Harry? They're all yours."

*

_Fin._


End file.
